Friday, 8 May 2009

I was nothing but his insecurity.

Another weak attempt guys. I didn't want to polish it to make it better than this. For reason being I don't like to edit anything that's coming straight from my mind without any pause. And this piece was a very fast slip of pen with no speed breaks. A little long, but I hope you guys enjoy reading it. Cheers! :)

There is a rigid distinction between the needs and wants. We all think we know that. For us its common sense to differentiate between needs and wants. But from what I’ve seen and experienced, differentiating between what you need and what you want is perhaps the most vexed issue. We seem to get muddled up with our understanding of our ‘needs’ and ‘wants’. It’s perhaps because our interpretations differ. It’s perhaps because there is so much to consider that at one point we give up and make our own personal interpretations. I’ve seen people wanting something badly but not needing it. I’ve seen people struggling to get what they need and giving up on what they want. Need is perhaps you have to fight for because you need it. And want is maybe opposite of it. One does fight to get what he/she wants but eventually raises the white flag if the battle goes on for too long.

I never understood how that happened. I never understood how one can figure out what they need and what they want. Not even when he told me how much he wanted me but can’t have me because I didn’t have what he needed. He loved me for my perfection. For him I was the most perfect girl. He loved me because I understood his ups and downs. He loved me because I was his best friend as well as his perfect lover. He always liked my scrupulous nature. I was extraordinarily special, he often said to me. But, when it came to have me for life he refused to have me. He refused to make me his life partner because I didn’t have what he needed in his life partner. And so he was compelled to ditch me. I tried to read in his eyes the answers of my whys? It hurt me terribly to see the desire of having me in his eyes. It hurt to see that he was ditching me even though he wanted me so much. Why? My silent cries asked. ‘I’m sorry’ was all he said and left.

Since he left I’ve been in the quest to know what was it that he needed but I didn’t have. I hated myself for not having what he needed. The feeling of rejection stabbed me every moment. Often I spent hours sitting in front of a mirror, looking at my reflection without blinking, trying to see what was lacking in me. My eyes burnt and the flood of tears would wash away the ashes. The deprivations I suffered left me lackadaisical. I, unintentionally, depersonalised myself.
Today I seen him after five years. Five whole years. Unaware of my presence he was busy talking to ‘her’ standing beside him. I looked at him closely. His body language was so smug. He seemed to be obtruding himself. My eyes turned to the centre of his attention. Who was she? I wondered. And it took me a moment to realise she was his ‘need’. She was what I wasn’t. I didn’t mean to despise her but she was nowhere near as good as me. He would definitely have made a better couple with me, I thought. But then, why was he standing beside her with so much pride? What was it in her? I tried to see. I wanted to get my answer today. I wanted to put myself out of this misery that haunted me for years. I wanted to know. And today I will know, I decided.

Surely she wasn’t as pretty as me. She didn’t have those blushing cheeks as me which he always admired. She didn’t have that grace in her style which he always liked in me. She didn’t have that magnet attraction which always attracted him towards me. She didn’t have that delicacy which he adored in me. She didn’t have anything I did. She was from nowhere better than me. Why? The question again echoed in me. And the realisation of my perfection lit the answer in my dark head. I could see it. I could see all that he needed and the answer made me laugh out loudly. His ears recognised my laughter, my musical laughter, as he used to praise it. He was nonplussed to see me standing in front him. Suddenly I felt so confident in myself. Looking at him in the eye with amusement made his ‘need’ scowl at me but I didn’t bother. I was too busy reading the same old ‘wanting to have me’ desire in his eyes. It pleased me to see the agony in his eyes. I smiled my best smile ever which always captivated him and my smile deepened when I seen the same old reaction on his face. He always kissed me every time I smiled. Ignoring the glowers of his ‘need’ I moved forward and embraced him. I could feel his craving to hold me. But for the first time ever I didn’t want his arms around me. I didn’t want him to hold me.

‘I’m glad you found what you needed,’ I whispered, ‘And I hope you feel secure.’ And the way his body stiffened in my embrace made me realise that I wasn’t wrong.

He needed security to satisfy his self obsession and surely that’s what she was giving him. She was his security. And the ‘I’ he wanted would’ve given him nothing but insecurity and his male obsession didn’t need that. I walked away leaving him and his ‘need’ stunned and for the first time walking away from him extricated me from the dreariness of my haunted past. Deo Gratias.


  1. Awesome post, Hina!

    I liked da questions asked to urself and i liked da comparisons drawn! Some may call it a lil selfish or arrogant but hell, who cares! wen it cums down to mattrs of da heart u hav to tak da often untreaded path!

    Believe me, Ders nothing in any one of us dat is wrong or not perfect for oders! Its as u said diff wants, different needs for diff ppl! nd we shouldnt change fr dat!

    Luvd da post! brilliant! :)

  2. i think we've all asked these questions. at the end of it though, you shouldn't ask what you didn't have that he needed, 'cause that would mean you would end up being someone you're not. i understand the pain and tears, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. after all, you wouldn't want to wake up one day, realising you've been living someone else's life... and i'm glad you saw it.

  3. 'Awesome' is the only word that fruits in my mind right now!

    Lovely post...! One of the most unconventional post..and one that carries a sparkling feel!
    Keep rytng hina.....

    and thanks for following my writes.. :)

  4. @ Mav-Thank you thank you Mav :) and yes rightly said, as they say 'everything is fair in love and war'. I personally don't agree with it though. I don't know why.

    @Shadow- Thanks for the comments. And yes I agree with the points you made. Fake doesn't last for long. But you must've noticed that she was only thinking about the lackings but she never thought of changing herself. I didn't want to make her think this. Thanks again though :)

    @Nik- Thank you for the comment :) and pleasure is all mine. I'm a fan of all the known and unknown writers in this world :)

    Cheers all :)

  5. Wow very well written....nice stuff.
    Needs and wants of a person can change depending upon which stage of his life cycle he is in. With the passage of time it keeps on changing. Its not permanent in nature. The girl at last realized that it was not that she was lacking anything but what that guy wanted. So we can say that even the girls needs n wants changed as time passed by!!!

    Nice post...u write well!!!

    Take Care

  6. @ Nazish- Thank you so much liking it. and yes I agree that her needs and wants changed. But I think I should've written that she doesn't blame herself anymore for not having what she needed and still loves him for true love there is no thing that can change it. :)

    Thanks for the comment though :)

  7. wow brilliant post....explains how the gal feels n weeps on her rejection and that too not knowing why she was rejected...
    n the metamorphosis she undergoes by questioning herself....glad that she found her answer at last..

  8. Awesome post dude...... Was very much moved by the short story..... The feelings of the gal were very much naturally penned down.....
    The star of the post is the climax wer the gal realises tat the fault is not in her side..... keep writing stuff like this....

  9. Hypocrisy isn't alien to humankind.

    Liked the way you portrayed your thoughts.

    Keep writing. Spread the voice.

    Peace. Have a nice day.

    I didn't know that you are HKB. :)

  10. @Arun- Thank you very much for the lovely and encouraging comments :)

    @Dr.Kumar- Thank you mate. I'm glad you liked it and I will difinitely try and write more :)

    @Kartz- Thank you mate :)

    What is this HKB thing? They're my initials but I think there's something more to it. You're the third person who said this. What is it? *Nods in confusion*

  11. I’m glad you found what you needed,’ I whispered, ‘And I hope you feel secure.’ And the way his body stiffened in my embrace made me realise that I wasn’t wrong.

    finally some one understood it too !! and its good this did not turn into posessive nature ... A really good one :)

    loved it !

  12. nice post friend....a post of questions from your heart...!!!

  13. Hahahah...I was reading it and I was wondering "Damn I have read it before man.." And i went through the comments...and there I was ! Commented before and fallen in love before...

    And now again! :) Nicely written.. :)